Last Rites
by Bobbie23
Summary: Saying goodbye
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer – I don't own Law and Order: Special Victims Unit or any of the characters. **

**Author Note – I'm sorry…**

Last Rites

'_Everyone who says hello_

_Will one day say goodbye_

_Sometimes without warning_

_Or giving a reason why.'_

_VK_

She's numb.

Has been for a month.

Olivia rifles through her bag, searching for the pacifier Noah dropped while they were out. The envelope brushes her hand but she ignores it. It's been in there for a month and it will stay there until she's ready to open it. She's not sure whether she'll ever be ready.

Days pass and she goes through the motions not really paying attention. The rest of the team give her space, time. Fin hovers sometimes but at a distance. Nick does too, and he's more obvious than Fin but he doesn't know as much as Fin, doesn't understand. They're waiting for a reaction.

She's numb.

That's her reaction.

And it doesn't satisfy them.

They're waiting for her to break.

Olivia blocks it all out.

Part of her wants to shout out and cry, she doesn't because she knows when she does she won't be able to stop. It's bubbling under the surface, and Olivia knows that it could spill over at any moment. The tiniest thing could make her snap. She keeps a tight grip on her emotions, detaching herself emotionally from almost everything around her.

Noah's the only who can elicit a real smile from her now. He's her reason for getting through the day. He plays happily in his high chair, waiting for her to make his dinner. He babbles to his toys excitedly and Olivia is grateful for the noise. The back of her hand touches the envelope again as she withdraws it from the bag.

It's been in there a month.

Olivia had been too late.

She and Nick had been in New Jersey chasing a lead when she got the call from Fin. He refused to tell her over the phone but as soon as she heard Fin's voice, she knew. The car ride had taken too long. Nick navigated traffic as quickly as he could but the second accident in two days had jammed the roads. Her knee bounced nervously as she sat in the passenger seat, her anxiety growing by the minute.

By the time they reached the squad room, Olivia tried to steel herself for the worst but nothing could have prepared her for what waited for her.

_Olivia burst through the entrance and stopped short when Fin turned to her, he looked exhausted, scared. He had been coming out of the conference room in the corner. He pulled it closed, the lock clicking too loudly. Through the blinds she could see two figures huddled together on the sofa. _

"_Liv…" he started walking towards her. He gestured to her office but she brushed past him to get to the conference room._

_Fin turned with her and tried to stop her before she reached the conference room. Her hand was on the handle, hesitating briefly when his hand closed around hers. He leant in close and she realised she was shaking. _

"_Liv," he warned. _

_She blinked, the unshed tears catching on her lashes. There was remorse in his voice, an apology, consolation. _

_Her hand turned and his fell away as she pushed the door open._

It was sudden.

The truck ran a red light and he died on impact.

It's been three weeks since she stood between Munch and Fin in the cemetery, both of them flanking her as if she was about to crumble. She hadn't. Not even to shed a tear. It had been a blur, and Olivia hadn't been able to take it all in. She remembered Kathleen falling into her arms and hugging her. The rest of the Stabler clan, including Kathy, smiled at her sadly, almost apologetically and she couldn't fathom why. As if they felt guilty about what was left unsaid.

They knew what was in the envelope.

Olivia didn't say anything to Kathy; it would have been too awkward. Even if it hadn't been and Elliot had been any other colleague, she had no idea what to say to his widow. It didn't matter that Kathy no longer wore a wedding ring.

The envelope is taunting her constantly, irresistible and terrifying all at the same time. She's never going to be able to reply to whatever is in there. In the back of her head Olivia can hear his voice, the one he used when he was teasing, telling her to open it, telling her that sooner or later curiosity will get the better of her. That she wants to know what he's got to say.

"_We found it in his pocket," Kathleen said, her voice cracking as she was overcome with another wave of sobs. Dickie wrapped an arm around his sister and pulled her close as he looked like he was going to burst into tears._

It wasn't just a letter. There was a bulge and Olivia had run her fingers across the small bump a thousand times, trying to figure out what he wanted to give her. She had no clue. Olivia was careful enough not the press the paper too hard, she didn't want to imprint the object onto the paper and find out what it was before she was ready. She wanted to know when he intended to give it to her, how long he had carried it around with him. There was a fold down the middle where it had been in his pocket for a while, the crease wearing the paper so it was almost torn.

Cragen came to see her the day after the funeral. He'd been on stand by for a flight home when Elliot had been laid to rest. He sat with her and Noah that afternoon. Noah was enthralled by the older man who played with him all afternoon, and Olivia forced a bittersweet smile onto her face at their interaction. They didn't mention Elliot till after Noah was tucked into bed, even then there words were few and far between.

"_We never slept together."_

"_I know."_

Olivia stirred through Noah's dinner, the heat rising off of it. She took the pan off the hob and poured the stew into Noah's bowl to let it cool enough for him to eat it. Olivia turned to find him holding his bear close as he played with the blocks on his tray.

The sight of her son playing happily created another pang of heart ache. Elliot would never meet him. Two of the most important people in her life would never know one another. She didn't know if Elliot knew about Noah coming into her life, and that felt wrong. Olivia wondered if she would ever tell Noah about the man who understood her better than anyone, what she would say if she did. Olivia wondered if Noah would be the one to open the envelope after she died. She didn't want to pass the burden on to him.

The crumpled paper is always in the back of her head, mocking her. Of course she was tempted to open it, almost had a few times when she woke in the middle of the night, the image of his dead body ingrained in her mind.

She shouldn't have gone to the hospital to see him.

Fin drove her and waited protectively in the hallway with Melinda as she stood at the window of the relative's room. She refused to go into the room. Her hand curled around the string on the curtain as she tried to grasp the courage to pull it open. The courage hadn't come and she strode out past Fin and Melinda, leaving Fin struggling to catch up with her. She was nearing the car when he did, opening the door for her to slide into the passenger seat. He didn't say anything when she asked him to take her home.

She'd seen enough dead bodies to know what waited for her behind that curtain.

She didn't sleep that night, just watched Noah as he slept.

Elliot was haunting her.

She welcomes his ghostly presence in her head, craving some sort of connection.

His absence from the squad room had never been more poignant to her than it was in the last four weeks. She could hear him in her head as she interrogated a suspect, telling her how to play it; hear his consoling words as she digested the statement of a victim.

Olivia missed him.

Olivia checked Noah's food on the tip of her tongue. Happy with the temperature she moved to the stool and fed him, encouraging him to eat it when he frowned at the initial taste but he dutifully chewed, eventually deciding he liked his dinner and eagerly leaning forward to accept it.

She had to find a better way of coping because it wouldn't be fair to Noah for her to feel empty inside for the rest of her life. She thought about going to Lindstrom, but she thought better of it. While it was evident to those around her how much Elliot meant to her, it was private, precious, and something she wanted to deal with on her own.

She wanted to protect it. Hold it close.

Just like the envelope.

There was only one person she wanted to talk to and he was dead.

One conversation that was all she wanted.

A week later Olivia pushed open the gate to the cemetery. The hinges creaked loudly, making her jump. Her eyes scanned the headstones, taking in the surroundings, the mourners. She followed the path, passing rows of headstones. Gravel crunched beneath her feet.

People said this worked but Olivia wondered what good it would do to talk to a headstone which couldn't talk back. She can hear his laugh at the thought, deep and rumbling in his chest. She wonders if he would visit her if it was the other way round.

If her prayers for death had been answered while Lewis had her…

Would Elliot have come to her?

She turns on her heel and makes her way along the row. Her eyes are trained on the new headstone amongst the aged ones. She reaches the grave, the earth has settled and the flower arrangements are long gone.

_Elliot Stabler, beloved father_

She stands there for a long moment. She loses track of time as she stares blankly at the slab of stone. She feels numb again, nothing apart from words linking her with the grave. His body may lie six feet under her but she can't feel him here, or their connection. She wonders if this would have been easier on the roof of the precinct, just talking to the sky.

"I want to hate you right now," Olivia says to the grey stone. "Four years ago, all I wanted was to see you one more time. To say goodbye at least." She scoffs. She would always wonder what had happened to him in the four years since he left the force. "Now I can't think of anything worse."

She swallows the lump that forms in her throat. The tears build but they don't fall. "I have a son and you'll never meet him." Her voice cracks and she clears her throat. Her eyes close but the tears start to flow anyway. "I wanted him to know you, to help him know me."

Olivia reaches into her pocket and grasps the tattered envelope, pulling it out. She breaths in deeply and blows it out slowly, trying to control the panic rising in her chest. She was _not _going to have a panic attack here.

"I miss you," she hisses. She swipes her hand across her cheek to brush the tears away. Her lip trembles and her body shakes. "I…I hope you're at peace, I hope you know how much you were loved." A sound somewhere between a laugh and a sob escapes her. "How much I loved you."

She wipes away a new tear. "I'm not going to read it Elliot," she says holding the envelope up to his headstone. "I can't. Because when I do, there's going to be nothing else for us to say to each other, nothing else for you to give me."

Because she's not ready to say goodbye.

Not ready to lay him to rest.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author Note – I didn't think I'd write a follow up to the first chapter, but an idea struck me. It is sad, so bear that in mind if you continue reading past this point. I would love to know any thoughts you have so if you have the time please leave a review or send me a PM if you're uncomfortable leaving a public comment.**

Last Rites – chapter two

'_History is hereditary only in this way: we, all of us, inherit everything, and then we choose what to cherish, what to disavow, and what to do next, which is why it's worth trying to know where things come from.'― __Jill Lepore_

Dozens of people came to bid her farewell, celebrate her life and everything she achieved. He sits in the cemetery for a long time after her coffin is lowered in to the ground. Day turns into dusk and he marvels at how tranquil it is being surrounded by the dead, he wonders if she's at peace. His mother slipped away in the night and he found her the following morning when she failed to meet him for breakfast. At the age of twenty five he'd only been to two funerals before in his life and as the son of a cop he's grateful there weren't more.

Noah had accompanied his mother to both, her hand gripping his tightly during the first, his elbow during the second. Noah was twelve when Donald Cragen was laid to rest and he cried for the man who was like a grandfather to him. Threw her own tears, his mother consoled him and explained to him about the cruelty of life and the end which befell everyone. It didn't matter how it happened, death was always horrible she told him as they trawled through a photo album of memories which were older than he was.

He'd hung onto the memory of that afternoon when they attended Uncle John's funeral last year. John had known he was ill for a while but chose not to receive treatment or tell anyone till he was too sick for anyone to change his mind. In the end he had passed away in the middle of the night with Uncle Fin by his side.

Noah heard the gravel crunch and flick a few feet away. He didn't need to look up to see Fin walking towards him using his cane which he'd needed after being hit during a shoot-out which put him in retirement. Noah slid along the bench to make room for him, trying to ignore the grumble of pain his uncle gave as he lowered himself to the bench, his gloved hands clasping together on the top of his cane.

"Is everything okay at the wake?" Noah asked his gaze fixed on the pile of earth that had been filled in after his mother's coffin was lowered into the ground.

After the funeral everyone had left for a local restaurant to share memories of his mother. Noah hadn't been able to leave her, not yet. He stayed as the other mourners filed past him. He shook one hand after the next, wondering how many people knew Olivia. Only Fin, Nick and Amanda showed concern over his decision to stay, his refusal to leave. He didn't know what to do, and he thought maybe staying here he would find guidance.

"Yeah, it's fine," Fin told him. "How you doing Noah?"

"I miss my Mom," Noah replied, his eyes sheening over. He reached into his pocket and took out the pouch which he'd been carrying around since he'd found her. "I don't know what to do," he said showing Fin the pouch. "I found it in her hand."

Fin looked at the little purse and after a moment he reached out to take it from Noah. "What's inside it?"

"An envelope, Mom put it inside when the paper was too delicate to handle." Noah exhaled loudly. "You know who gave it to her?" He asked when Fin didn't look surprised, just sad and full of regret.

Fin nodded and turned the pouch over in his hand. He handed it back to Noah with a sigh. "Do you know who gave it to her?"

Noah nodded forlornly. "I always saw it in her bag when I was a kid and I would always ask what was inside. She would always say she wasn't ready to know. I had no idea how she could stand the temptation, because I wanted to know." He paused, swallowing before carrying on. "I know things got bad when I was a teenager, I acted out-"

"Kid, you were a pain in the ass," Fin injected with a laugh. "But you grew out of it. She was proud of you, never forget that, never forget the day you graduated college. She was so happy."

Noah smiled ruefully at the memory; Fin and John joined his mother in the audience, watching him cross the stage to accept his diploma. But he shook his head, pushing it aside for the one which had him feeling ashamed.

Olivia had told him about his biological mother when he was fifteen and even though he'd always known he was adopted, he couldn't comprehend what happened to Ellie and the start to life he had as a result, the life his mother saved him from. It was difficult for him to deal with, so he acted out, blamed Olivia for not telling him sooner. For a while he'd stopped calling her Mom, opting instead to use 'Olivia' as a painful reminder that she wasn't his birth mother.

"I missed my curfew by about an hour when I was fifteen, I'd done it before but she'd always been at work so I got away with it, I didn't think it'd make much difference. But she was waiting for me when I got in, got my favourite for dinner. She was angry and worried, and I couldn't help yelling back when she told me off and grounded me. Mom cried," he screwed his eyes shut as the image of Olivia with a glistening tear rolling down her cheek. "She told me she was scared and I said she always was, especially when she was too scared to open a stupid envelope. I went to my room and I could hear her crying, I cried too because that was our first big argument.

"Next morning, I woke up early to make Mom breakfast as an apology but she was already awake, staring out the window holding the envelope. She looked so lost. I can't remember saying anything as I stepped into the kitchen but she just started talking. About Elliot. About them. I didn't know it was the anniversary of his death."

For the following two weeks, Noah had made sure to be on time, do everything his mother asked him to. His downward spiral continued till he was seventeen and he'd been arrested for tagging a bridge. He'd been stuck in a holding cell for a couple of hours with a bunch of guys who looked ready to kill each other and him. By the time Fin picked him up and set him straight on few things he was ready to apologise to his mother. He'd crumbled the second he saw his mother, hugging her fiercely, mumbling over and over how sorry he was. After that he did his best to stay out of trouble.

Since then Noah had grown up and realised the life his mother saved him from, everything she protected him from. He tried to make up for the turmoil and heart ache he put her through, but she relieved they could put it behind them and move on. He was grateful for her support, for protecting him, for never giving up on him, for loving him. He hoped she knew how much he loved her. She was his mother, she raised him to be the man he was today and he hoped he could honour Olivia's memory properly, the way she deserved.

"She was in love with him," Fin stated quietly.

Noah looked at him with a frown. It wasn't that the information was new to him; he'd always known that on some level. It was that Fin was telling him. Fin never meddled, was usually a source of silent strength which Noah had looked up to his entire life. "Did he love her?"

"Yeah," his uncle nodded once, his eyes softening as he looked to Olivia's grave. "But they never had their time. I was there the day she got it, the day he died. He'd been carrying it around for a while."

"Do you think she knew what was in it?"

"Why would she put it in a pouch if she did? She was gonna open it when she was ready to say goodbye."

He'd hastily drawn it together as it was in his mother's hands before he rang for an ambulance. He knew he shouldn't have but all he could think of was how protective she was of the small velvet purse clutched in his hand and precious gift inside.

Fin's eyes drifted closed and Noah studied him, noting the lines on his face, the weary expression as the last of his team left in the world. None of them were related by blood but they were a family. It was more than genetics, a bond forged by their work, why they chose to do the work they did. They readily accepted him as part of their family because he was Olivia's son.

He had been in awe of the amount of people who came to pay tribute to her today, the amount of tears shed for her. He knew his mother would have been overwhelmed by the response of people taking the time to remember her, thank her for helping them in the worst times of their lives. His mother was loved, but she would have brushed it off as being part of the job, doing nothing more than what should have been done. She was her job, and apart from him, that was her life. She loved it.

Noah fingered the seam of the pouch, itching to open it. "It was open when I found her," he admitted. "But I closed it." Noah paused, scrunching it in his fist to resist temptation. "What do you think is inside?" Noah asked.

Fin bowed his head as he thought. "An apology, an explanation…I don't know Noah. Elliot loved your mother but he broke her heart too. I have no idea if they could have fixed things, or if they would have tried."

"He obviously wanted to tell her something. Did she know he loved her?" Fin nodded.

"He shouldn't have waited so long. I think they both regretted not telling each other. They were scared, let their chance slip by." Fin eyed his hand pointedly. "What do you think is inside?"

"Them," Noah replied. "I think whatever he put in there is part of them, and they carried it around when the other one wasn't there. They weren't ready to say goodbye. That's why Elliot never gave it to her before he died, because there was part of Mom inside and he still needed part of her with him."

Fin didn't answer, but he nodded his approval of Noah's assessment. They sat in silence for a long minute, staring at Olivia's grave.

"Are you going to open it?" Fin asked eventually.

He thought about it, over and over since the morning he found her but he couldn't bring himself to do it when he didn't know his mother looked inside before she died. Deep down he knew she wouldn't want him worrying about this, about her. He couldn't help it. He knew she wouldn't want him to carry this for her, wouldn't want him to dwell in her past, and doesn't want him to inherit this from her. Noah shook his head.

"I can't, it's not mine to open. As much as this meant to them, this isn't mine to keep."

Without waiting for Fin's approval Noah used one hand to push off the bench and walked the short distance to the pile of earth. Mindful of Fin's gaze on him Noah knelt at its' side and used his free hand to dig down to below ground level. When the hole was deep enough so it wouldn't be disturbed Noah carefully placed the pouch inside of it before recovering it with the soil.

They weren't religious and Noah had no particular thoughts on life after death or heaven but in that moment he hoped there was just so his mother could have someplace to be, not just in the ground a few feet below him. He liked to think she had opened the envelope, seen what Elliot had intended to give her all those years ago, that she'd made her peace with the temptation she held on to all these years and never gave into.

He hoped she had said goodbye.


End file.
